Love is complicated.

John and Megan are married and Caitlin is John's mistress. Matt is the devil whispering in John's ear to kill Megan to be with Caitlin. John goes through with it and goes to Caitlin with the blood still on his hands. Caitlin is disgusted and claims she'll turn him in. Matt whispers in John's ear to kill Caitlin as well.

-Matt

The Ending

The Viewing Overlord (VO) progressively changes the channels faster and faster. It gets to a point where Matt, John, Megan, and Caitlin are literally running across the stage as fast as they can and the sound eventually becomes constant static. Eventually the VO gets fed up and slams the remote down.

VIEWING OVERLORD
Screw this, there's nothing on! I'm going outside!

MATT, JOHN, MEGAN, CAITLIN
No!

The VO hits the power button on the remote and her screen goes black. The four on stage drop dead. The house lights come up.

-Matt

Sacrifice

The couch is an altar. John is a priest. Matt and Megan carry in Caitlin, tied up and gagged. John sacrifices her.

-Matt

Dreaming.

Caitlin walks on to the stage and lays down on the couch. Exhausted, she falls asleep. A ukelele playing a cheery tune is heard. John rises from behind the couch, playing ukelele in a horse mask. Caitlin wakes up and looks and John, the audience, then back at John.
Caitlin
Huh. John?
       John gives a little bow to Caitlin.
I have to be dreaming.
       John shrugs.
You don't play the ukelele.
       John walks out from behind the couch as Megan and Matt enter. Megan goes downstage corner right, Matt downstage corner left. John motions Caitlin to come with him. The two walk downstage center.

Caitlin
John.. what's going on?
       Matt and Megan say their lines together, voices overlapping. They can be read off a paper if need be. Or improvised. They're speaking to the audience. 
Matt
Where am I?
If I'm onstage and the audience is watching me but I'm watching the audience then why is there a stage?
Megan
Who are you?
Where is this going?
What time is it?
       pause.
Caitlin
Hi?
Matt
Hey, how are you?
No, I'm fine.
I do hope you got here alright.
Megan
Oh, hello!
Are you sure you don't want to sit down?
It's nice to meet you.
       Caitlin takes the mask off of John, who's wearing swimming goggles underneath. Caitlin
What's going on?
John
Your thoughts are echoing.

no idea where this goes. But I know it could be really good.
-John. 

The magic couch

John is a bad magician who has messed up many tricks. He pulls hats out of rabbits and keeps on breaking his wand. His final trick is to make his assistant Megan disappear. He fails many times. Somehow she ends up being stuffed into the couch.

-Megan

En Riktning

John and matt are members of a sweedish boyband trying to woo the girls and possibly the audience.
-Caitlin

Problem

Matt is sitting on the couch with a glass of water. Megan walks in.

MEGAN
Is something wrong?

MATT
I think I have a drinking problem.

Matt puts the glass to his temple and pours it all over himself.

-Matt

HEY KIDS.

Matt runs on in a full Captain Canada uniform, miming superhero poses and his best Katz impression. John runs on with his guitar.

John
HEY KIDS. Do you know what time it is?

(sung)
He's born in a cabin on boxing day,
Raised by wolverines...
(sarah changes the channel)

-John.

Poetry night

One by one we stand up on the couch and recite lyrics to crappy pop songs and treat them as deep poems.
-Caitlin

Sherlock

John plays a young Sherlock Holmes investigating the mysterious death of Megan. Matt plays an annoyed John Watson and Caitlin plays a cop.
-Caitlin

Karaoke

Karaoke night. Couch is a stage.

-Matt

Prostate Exam

Matt is getting a prostate exam from John. Megan and Caitlin are hot nurses holding up a sheet over Matt's ass. John goes behind the sheet, rams his fist in and pulls out Matt's heart, claiming he doesn't need it.

-Matt, John, Megan

The Four Horsemen

The four actors are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Matt is Death, John is War, Caitlin is Pestilence and Megan is Famine. They are riding towards Earth to destroy it and are lost.

-Matt

WHAT THE FUCK

Matt takes out a small table, an onion, and a knife. He dices it finely and then snorts it like cocaine.

MATT
AHHHH! WHAT THE FUCK!

-Matt

Christmas Caroling

Megan, Matt and Caitlin are Christmas caroling. Every bell they ring John answers and somehow slams the door in their faces.

-Megan

Dog Show

Matt, Caitlin and Megan are crouching on the couch as if they are dogs. John is the judge and has each go through various hoops (literal and figurative) before deciding a winner.

-Matt

GET OFF OF ME

Matt and Caitlin are Siamese twins, they're sharing a giant sweatshirt. They are sick of each other.

-Matt

Charades.

       Matt and Megan are a suburban married couple and invite their friends, fellow suburban married couple, John and Caitlin over for the annual Dinner Party. Megan comes in and turns on the lamp. Matt is walking on from stageleft as the doorbell rings. John and Caitlin are standing stage right. 

Matt

Oh, they're here. 

       Matt opens the door.

Matt

Hey you guys!

John

Hey Matt (greetings.. bla bla)

Matt

Yeah, come on in.

Megan

We're just gonna start with a game or two before dinner.

Caitlin 

Oh alright--

Matt

Yeah, have a seat.

       John and Caitlin take the stageleft side of the couch.

John

What're we playing?

Matt

(proud and happy) Megan and I were thinking for this week.. Charades.

Caitlin

OOOOH I love charades.

Megan

Matthew's an expert.

John

What would the category be?

Megan

Matthew?

Matt

Guest's choice.

Caitlin

John.. movies. 

John

Yeah, movies.

       everyone happily agrees. 

John

Who starts?

Matt

Guests first.

John

(to Caitlin) Ladies first.

      Caitlin gets off the couch. Matt and Megan take the stageright side of the couch. Caitlin very simply acts out Star Wars. Matt guesses it within the first few gestures. John and Caitlin are surprised at his expertise. Megan's proud. Caitlin sits back down next to John.

Matt

Megan?

       Megan smiles and gets off the couch. She then acts out the most gory and gruesome section of whatever horror movie she can think of. John and Caitlin are scared and a bit nauseous. 

I don't know where it goes from here. The whole premise is, Megan acts out something really horribly gory and disgusting every time she goes up. She can even whisper to Matt before he goes up and he does The Human Centipede or something. Sooner or later, John and Caitlin try to one up Matt and Megan, so they act out something that ends with Megan vomiting behind the couch and Matt kicking them out. 

THE END.

-John. 

Escape to Africa

Megan, John, Matt and Caitlin are animals in a zoo plotting their escape to Africa.  John is a lion, I'm not sure of who everyone else is.  John is the leader.

-Megan

Caitlin learns german

Caitlin is listening to a tape meant to teach her German but it turns into a Nazi instruction tape
-Megan, John and Caitlin

Like the amish

Watching each of our own slow decents into insanity after losing electricity. Each of us seated in different parts of the stage with only a tea light speaking one by one.
-Caitlin

Talk Show?

       Matt, John, and Caitlin sit on the couch. Megan stands stage right of the couch facing the audience.
Megan
   Hello! and welcome back to "Unending Topics with Unimportant People." Today we have Matt, John and Caitlin. Say hi.
Matt
   Hi.
John
   Hey.
Caitlin
   Hello.
Megan
   And here we go. Alright gang. Is there a god? Matt first.
Matt
   Eh. Probably not.
John
   Hey wait. We can't prove that.
Megan
   Caitlin?
Caitlin
   I don't really care.
Megan
   Interesting! On to politics.

(no idea where it goes or how it ends.)

-John.

Hurricane Sof-ia

The four of us begin to prep the couch for an on coming hurricane. Strapping the couch and lamp down occur. Everyones in a panic and megans convinced we're going to die. Possibly ending with all of us excepting defeat and sitting down. John says "and now we wait."
SCENE
-Caitlin

Politics As Usual.

John and Matt are standing on opposite sides of the stage with Caitlin in the middle. Caitlin is seated, John is stage right, Matt is stage left. John and Matt are each holding couch cushions in front of them so their legs are covered.

Caitlin
And the next question is for Mr. Brautigam.
       Caitlin reads off of an index card to John. 
Mr. Brautigam, today's youth faces challenges that our country has yet to address. College tuition is more expensive than ever before and the rate of students joining the workforce post graduation is declining rapidly. What would you do to help today's youth?

John
       John has a large fake smile on. long pause. he nods. then answers
Well first of all Caitlin, thanks for the wonderful question, you're really such a great moderator. Thank you to Mr. DeNicola for joining me in this fabulous debate. And thank you to all the wonderful people out there and those of you watching at home who took the time to come out and participate in our government. That's real important.
       pause. more fake smiling. 
You know Caitlin, in some countries, people don't even get to vote. Mhmm. That's right. That's why I believe it's our responsibility as citizens of this great nation to do what we can, because, as a great leader once said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but only is fear itself."

Caitlin
Thank you Mr. Brautigam. Mr. DeNicola, your response?

Matt
       pause. Matt has a look on his face in combination of awe, confusion, and complete anger.
HE DIDN'T EVEN ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION--

scene.

-John.

The electric couch

The couch acts as an electric chair in a interrogation
-Caitlin

Blind Robbery

Megan is blind, John is robbing her apartment with her there. Caitlin shows up later as Megan's elderly (and delirious) nurse. John hides behind the lamp at some point.

-Matt

Dearest Alfred,

Matt is a serial killer. He's killed Megan and Caitlin and he's trying to stuff their bodies into the couch before his landlord, John, comes due to complains of whirring power tools and an odd smell. When John comes Matt does anything to keep him from finding out.

-Matt

Lemonade stand

Megan and Caitlin are little girls running a lemonade stand and matt the police officer comes over and tries to arrest them because they do not have a permit.
-Caitlin

Dios mio!

Spanish soap opera.

-Matt

Camping, it's in Tents

Use couch cusions to make a tent.  Megan and Caitlin are at a girls camp.  Matt and John are from the neighboring boys camp pranking them with a fake bear attack.

Megan

Hair

Caitlin sits on the couch.  She keeps pulling items out of her hair, rubber band,  a telephone, mug, etc.  Eventually Megan enters, Caitlin can no longer pull anything out.

Megan

Puppet Show

A puppet show is going on from behind the couch. The puppets are made out of paper bags.  All four are trying to tell their story and are trambling over eachother to make it happen.  Similar to magic oracle, everyone would say one sentence.  Matt tries to make the story dark, Megan a fairytale, John a musical, and Caitlin wants the story to end.

Megan

First Class Flight

Caitlin and John are on an airplane.  The couch serves as their seats. Matt is the pilot and Megan is the flight attendant.  Somehow Matt loses control of the plane.  There are only two parachutes. The way they leave the plane is by jumping off the couch.  Caitlin gets one I'm not sure who gets the other one.

Megan

Little Red Riding Matt.

Matt is downstage right. Picks up his phone. Dials. 
Megan screams from offstage. 
John walks on from left wearing Megan's jacket and a wig to match her hair. He's got blood around his mouth. He answers the phone.

John
Hello?
Matt
Uh. Megan?
       John smiles. He fixes his wig. 
John
(in a horrible Megan impersonation)
Yes hello?
Matt
Are you busy or anything?
       John sits on the couch. Starts to pick his teeth.
John
Of course not mattykins, why do you ask?
Matt
Uh. I'm just bored over here. Do you think I can come over?
John
Of cooourse. That would be peeerfect.
Matt
Yeah okay. I'll see you soon.
John
Ciao!
     
        Matt hangs up. Crosses left and walks around the couch into Megan's house. While he's crossing, John is fixing his wig and wiping blood off his face. Doorbell rings. John sits down on the couch.

John
(horrible Megan impersonation) Come in!
        Matt walks in and sits next to John. Turns on the tv. Puts his arm around him. 
Matt
Hey.
       He looks at John's face and pulls his arm back.
Matt
Uh. Megan?
John
Yes?
Matt
What big ears you have..
John
The better to hear you with!
Matt
And what big eyes you have..
John
The better to see you with!
Matt
And what a blood stained face you have..
       John smiles. 
Matt
Huh.
       From behind the couch, out of view. Megan screams.
Megan
MMMAAAATTT.
       Matt and John look down at John's stomach. Matt puts his hand to his chin quizzically. He turns his head away. Thinking. 

Matt
Hmmm....
     
       John is about to lunge at Matt, his mouth wide open. Doorbell rings. Matt gets up just in time for John to miss. Matt gets the door. It's Caitlin. 
   
Caitlin
Hey you guys
       She looks at John dressed as Megan.
Caitlin
Hm. Whatcha doing?
Matt
Watching some tv.
Caitlin
Can I come in?
Matt
Sure.
       Matt sits next to John on the couch and puts his arm around him. Caitlin also sits down on the couch. 

Megan
(from behind couch)
CAITLIIIINNNN
       Caitlin looks around. 
Caitlin
Did you guys hear anything?
Matt
Nope.
John
Nope. (smile).
SCENE.

some kinks need to be worked out. But I think it can work.
-John.

War is Hell.

       Flip over the couch. The audience is looking into a trench in WWI. 4 actors lean over the couch shooting upstage. Soldier 3 grabs at his chest, yells, and falls back. Soldier 2 throws away his gun and holds his friend.
Soldier2
No... johnny.. speak to me johnny
Soldier3
I... I...
Soldier2
What is it boy?
Soldier3
I...
        soldiers 1 and 4 stop shooting and watch soldiers 2 and 3. Dramatic death music. 
Soldier3
I...
       soldier 3 closes his eyes and passes out in the arms of soldier 2. Soldiers 1 and 4 bow their heads. a moment of silence. Soldier 3 opens his eyes and raspberries at soldier 2. Soldier 2 drops him. 1 and 4 go back to shooting.
Soldier2
What the fuck?
Soldier3
God. You fall for that everytime.
SCENE.

(something like that)
-John.

TeleVideo.

It's the first ever television broadcast in the 1920s and they have no idea how anything works or what to do with it.
(Smiling man is standing in a bow tie and tweed jacket).
"Hello (wave) and welcome to our first ever TeleVideo broadcast." (smile. long pause)

(no idea where this is going)
-John

Extreme makeover: couch edition

Megan comes out as the host of a home design show and tries to spruce up the terrible couch.
Or alternatively PIMP MY COUCH
where John comes out and attempts to put flames and spinning rims on it.
-Caitlin

Past john future john

John has a conversation with his future self by hiding behind the couch and popping up as future john.

-Caitlin

The painfully average teenage relationship

Find a way to incorporate Caitlins psych project about how stupid relationships are as a monologue.

-Caitlin

Broken Remote

Caitlin walks on stage, sits down, stares. Sarah makes the change, Matt sits down next her.  They all are watching a different movie.  This repeats for Megan and John. When Sarah changes the channel she can't get the channel to change, she replaces the batteries and all leave. then end

Megan

Surprise Funeral

Caitlin is lying dead on the couch, holding flowers. Behind it are Matt, John and Megan, all dressed in black. Megan is crying.

JOHN

When will this be over?

MATT

Just a few minutes.

MEGAN

The priest said silent prayer! Oh, Caitlin!

Megan throws herself over the couch. The boys grab her and pull her up.

JOHN

Mom! Mom stop, you're embarrassing us!

MEGAN

I can't let my baby go!

MATT

Mom get a hold of yourself! You can't get buried with her!

MEGAN

And why not? She's my baby!

JOHN

Well so are we!

MEGAN

You aren't dead!

MATT

Thank you?

Megan climbs over the couch and lies on top of Caitlin, hugging her.

MEGAN

Let me be with my baby girl! Close the coffin!

JOHN

We should go get Father DeLalio.

MATT

I'm on it.

Matt runs offstage and then quickly back on dressed as a priest.

FATHER DELALIO

What's going on here? Oh my!

MEGAN

Father! Tell them to let me be with my baby!

FATHER DELALIO

Ma'am I must ask you to exit the coffin. This is a travesty.

MEGAN

You're a travesty!

FATHER DELALIO

Excuse me?

JOHN

Mother!

FATHER DELALIO

Please ma'am you must get up!

MEGAN

And why?

JOHN

Because Caitlin can't breathe!

MEGAN

Wha?

Caitlin lifts and arm up, coughs, and speaks in a choked voice.

CAITLIN

Surprise, Ma. Happy Birthday.

-Matt

Self Aware

John is sitting on the couch with his hands on his knees. Megan comes on and asks "What's up?"
John says "I think I'm being watched," then looks straight into the audience.

-Matt

The Fort

Matt builds a fort out of the couch cushions.  He tries to save his prizes possession, maybe a sandwich, from Caitlin.  While the two are off fighting Megan and John come on stage, take the sandwich, split it in half and eat.  They are gone before Caitlin and Matt are back. End for now.

Later in the show Caitlin and Matt steal a different sandwich from the ruling overlord, Sarah. End.

-Megan

Transformers: Couches in Disguise.

The Couch is a transformer, or at least Matt thinks it is and tries to convince his mother (Megan) that it is.
- Caitlin

The Animal Channel

Megan and Caitlin have become animals stalking their prey (Matt) while John over looks it while acting as wild life observer and narrating their every move.
- Caitlin

The Musical Number

A Big Musical Number
Matt and Caitlin star, except neither can sing.  Caitlin has a dance solo.

-Megan

The Golden Mane Idea

The Golden Mane Idea

John uses his ponytail as multiple disguises (Rapunzel, Mr. Ganes, Pink Panther, Horse)

-Megan

TrueLove.

- Megan mimes being at a party. She's holding a red plastic cup. She keeps playfully looking over at the lamp in the corner.
- She goes over.. starts to flirt with the lamp.
cut
- megan making out with lamp on the couch.
- she mimes that the lamp somehow went too far. She and the lamp are now on opposite sides of the couch and it looks tense and awkward.
cut
- megan leads matt over to the couch. They're fooling around. The lamp walks in on them. Megan runs over to the lamp and tries to apologize, "It's not what it looks like" but the lamp won't fall for it. Somehow ends.
The end.

-John.

Breakup First Draft

Caitlin is looking through the couch cushions, practically tearing apart the couch. She gives up and sits. Then she notices a t-shirt sticking out between the cushions. Matt walks in, shirtless, and takes it. He puts it on.

Matt

Thanks.

CAITLIN

That's dirty.

MATT

Your point?

CAITLIN

Take it off.

Matt starts to take the shirt off.

MATT

If you say so.

CAITLIN

Not what I meant.

MATT

Then stop nagging me about you not doing the laundry.

CAITLIN

Well I'd do it if I could find your goddamn clothes.

MATT

Then take it.

Matt takes the shirt off, throws it at Caitlin, and leaves. Caitlin sits in the same position the scene started in. Caitlin stuffs the shirt back where it was and takes out a deck of cards. She sits on the floor in front of the couch and deals a game of blackjack. Matt comes back in and sits down across from her, one shoe off. They play the hand quickly.

CAITLIN

Dammit!

She takes off her sweatshirt.

CAITLIN

Can we not play this?

MATT

What? It's not like we've never seen each other like this.

CAITLIN

It's just...I dunno, gross.

MATT

Why? It's a game.

CAITLIN

Because it is, okay?

Caitlin picks up her sweatshirt and goes to put it back on. Matt tears it from her hands and throws it on the ground. He begins to deal the next hand.

MATT

Stop it. You agreed to play. Just suck it up.

Caitlin stands up, disgusted, picks up her sweatshirt, and kicks the cards everywhere. She picks up the box and sits back down. Matt picks up as many cards as he can and leaves. Caitlin stuffs the box back in its place. She then takes out a necklace. Matt walks in, dressed much nicer. Caitlin stands up.

CAITLIN

What is this?

MATT

You weren't supposed to find that.

CAITLIN

Why? Who's is it?

MATT

It's...uh...

CAITLIN

Who's is it?!

MATT

It's for you!

CAITLIN

Oh bullshit! Get out!

She takes the shirt and cards from the couch and throws them at him. He leaves. She sits on the couch with her head in her hands, the necklace still wrapped in her fingers. There's a knock.

CAITLIN

What?

Matt walks in, he has a coat on. Caitlin doesn't look at him.

MATT

I left some things here after...yeah. I just wanted to pick them up.

He picks up the box and the shirt. She watches him. Then he notices the necklace.

MATT

Do you still want that?

CAITLIN

What?

MATT

The necklace. It was for you. Do you still want it or should I just get out?

CAITLIN

Just get out.


Matt goes towards the door. Caitlin stands up.

CAITLIN

It's for me?

MATT

Yep.

CAITLIN

Why?

MATT

Because.

CAITLIN

You have somewhere to be?

MATT

Nope.

CAITLIN

Stay.

-Matt

Statement

This blog is for the play "Channel Surfing." The show is composed of several shorter plays, each centering around a single set; a couch and a lamp. These objects can be used literally or not, but they must be used.  On a projection behind the scenes is a girl with a remote, the Viewing Overlord. She dictates the show.
Those involved with the show are Matthew DeNicola, Megan Haug, Caitlin Nobari, and John Brautigam. They are writers, actors, directors, crew, and anything else but the Viewing Overlord, which will be played by Sarah Robinson. Robinson is in no other way involved in the production of the show. Any idea or script can be posted by any of the writers and any of the writers can stem from it, edit it, etc. Each post will be signed by its author. In December we will select the scripts we like, and then further narrow it to the scripts we will be using.

-Matt